So you want to stay hip to the current nomenclature but don’t want to lose your self-improvement edge? Well, what if the world of texting, Facebook and Twitter had to step aside for your kick ass acronyms?  Now it does, thanks to these new, empow-WOW-ering definitions for popular shortened phrases used on smartphones and iPads worldwide.

Reclaim your power! Text some motivational messages to the people in your life who need them most! (Okay, so maybe the people in your life who need them most are whiny, depressing twerps on whom you are tired of expending any helpful energy, but still.)

 TOP TEN SELF-HELP TEXTING ACRONYMS

1. LOL – Laughing Out Loud – Loving Other Losers. This lets someone know that when you are feeling down, you are reaching out to other pitiful douches just like yourself.
2. LMAO – Laughing My Ass Off – Living More Authentically Ow. To tell everyone that you are on your own personal journey of truthfulness, but that it hurts.
3. OMG – Oh My God – Oprah Made God. A gentle reminder that without Oprah, self-help would have been relegated to the scrap heap of history after the Carter administration, and therefore she might well be a higher deity than the man (or woman) upstairs.
4. FTW – For the Win – Freaking Totally Wizard. A way to say that things are awesome, plus it makes you sound a little British, which is always good if you are trying to hook up.
5. IRL – In Real Life – It’s Really Liberating. Use this to communicate that you are stepping outside your comfort zone and growing as a person. Works even better if you are naked while typing it.
6. JK – Just Kidding – Joyful Knowing. I have no idea what this means but it sounded just perfectly New Age douchey so I included it.
7. WTF – What the F*ck – Watching Television Fund-Drive. Lets everyone know you are not to be disturbed because Wayne Dyer is on, helping PBS raise money by offering up his books and CDs at eight times what you could get them for on Amazon.
8. SMH – Shaking My Head – Stop Manipulating Him (also: Stop Manipulating Her). To be used when you get a message about how someone you know is giving someone else you know a hard time and so you send a message back to the first someone telling him or her to stop being a passive aggressive suckbag.
9. IDK – I Don’t Know – I’m Delusional Kiddo. Pretty self-explanatory.
10. WDYMBT – What Do You Mean By That? – Why Did You Marry Bob Talbot? – Sorry, that’s just one I always send my ex.

There’s always more Paul Maul lunacy to be found. Try some here.

I sit in silence.

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A small breeze stirs.

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A dog barks.

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Soon, there is only the sound of my own breathing.

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And then, I become deeply aware of my own heartbeat.

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It begins to creep me out.

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I realize I will one day die.

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Suck it, meditation.

Enjoy more self-help posts, lists and pseudo-wisdom by clicking here!

Go ahead, try to deny where you came from. You cannot. And before long, your heritage will find its way into your every gesture. Please don’t blame the messenger. Just click on the logo above (or the embedded player below) and open your ears to the truth.

Don’t forget, you can get all the written–or spoken–wisdom you need right here.

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TOP TEN PROMISES OF MR. PAUL MAUL’S  EMPOW-WOW-ERMENT PARTY

1. I will begin each day by talking to the economy and making sure it realizes how important it is to all of us.  Soon, the economy will develop a better sense of self-worth and pass that worth onto the American people in the form of new jobs.
2. Constitution to be replaced with copies of “The Secret.”
3. As long as they can provide a convincing written explanation of what is wrong with them, homosexuals will be allowed to marry.
4. As part of my five-year plan to reduce stress in everyday life, I will institute the death penalty for taking more than ten items through the ten items or less line.
5. I will continue to allow tax cuts for the rich as long as the rich promise to learn more about sharing.
6. I will balance the budget by making sure to put a Libra in charge of the budget.
7. I will replace the Pledge of Allegiance in our schools with the Pledge of Empow-WOW-erment (full text below).
8. I will put no restrictions on gun use.  However, if you shoot up your office or a school I would ask that you take a really long, hard look at why you behaved so unconsciously.  (Those who shoot themselves following any mass carnage will be exempt from this introspection.)
9. I will end our dependence on foreign oil with the power of my mind alone by using law of attraction principles as outlined in the new Constitution (see #2).
10. Finally, I will pay no attention to the constant, nagging critical voice in my head that keeps saying the first nine promises are ridiculous.  By refusing to embrace any negativity, I will be able to implement all the steps in this political platform no matter what anybody thinks. So even if everything goes right down the shitter, I will be remembered as someone with the strength of my convictions.  And that’s how it works, people.

Thank you for your support.

THE PLEDGE OF EMPOW-WOW-ERMENT

I pledge allegiance to myself

And occasionally to Deepak Chopra

And to my development

For which I stand

One person

Fully realized

With inner strength

And awesomeness

For all

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.Enjoy more self-help posts, lists and pseudo-wisdom by clicking here!

We in the self-help field will do anything to get our clients to a deeper self-awareness. And by anything, I mean anything short of stripping naked and immersing ourselves into a vat of boysenberry Yoplait while lip-syncing the karaoke version of Jenny From the Block.  And, let’s face it, if the payoff on the investment was good enough, we would probably do that, too.

In any case, it’s my job to guide you to your own sense of empow-WOW-erment!  And I have found, as I did last year, that by starting the new year pretending it has already ended,  some new and powerful truths emerge. Many of which often involve stripping naked, Yoplait and J-Lo, but this is for after the New Year’s Eve partying has worn off.

So, once again, imagine: the year is over and you are reflecting upon the goals you set in 2012.  Read through the declarations below, resolutions if you will, and decide whether or not you can truly kick off the year with pride and a minimum of self-loathing. I know you can do it!

2012 END OF YEAR RESOLUTION CHECKLIST

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HAVE I…?

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1. Offered thanks to those angels who have helped me on my path to success? Offered a steady campaign of harassing emails to those suckbags who have not?
   
2. Taken a moment of every day to simply appreciate the miracle of being alive and being able to continue this soul-sucking grind for another lackluster 24-hour period?
   
3. Finally come to terms with the cancellation of Oprah?
   
4. Welcomed the energy of wealth consciousness into the credit card I used to pay for that wealth consciousness seminar?
5. Tried my hardest to obtain closure with my family members, even when it means taking the drastic step of actually speaking to them?
6. Resolved to give all my spare change to the homeless, even though I don’t have any spare change anymore because no one uses cash and it’s kind of difficult to offer a homeless person a swipe of your ATM?
   
7. Shouted “F*ck the Mayan Calendar!” to the sky at least once a week?
8. Looked at the role I played in every conflict that was clearly someone else’s damn fault?
   
9. Laughed at a situation in which I could have chosen to cry instead but there were people around and no way are they going to see me at my most emotionally naked?
10. Learned even one thing about how to live by observing how a perfect, graceful animal functions in the world?  I mean, besides humping whatever it wants and crapping wherever it pleases and occasionally killing another animal in order to eat it because these are not the things to look for when using the beauty of the natural world to illustrate some vague idea about how humans should conduct themselves?

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So, how’d ya do? Did you make the most of 2012? If not, just remember to Shove it Upwards and you’ll be back on track in no time.  Happy New You Year!

Enjoy more self-help posts, lists and pseudo-wisdom by clicking here!

This is what it’s all been building up to! What did my true love give to me on the last day of Blissmas? Click on the poster above or use the embedded player below to hear what special self-help present my true love gave to me on the…

GRAND FINALE TWELFTH DAY OF BLISSMAS!

(HINT: IT’S A PERSON)

There’s more holiday-themed madness all over the place on the Paul Maul site! Find it here.

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The penultimate episode! One day away from all twelve self-help presents (or it it presence?). Click on the poster above or use the embedded player below to hear what special self-help present my true love gave to me on the ELEVENTH DAY OF BLISSMAS!

There’s more holiday-themed madness all over the place on the Paul Maul site! Find it here.

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Ten Days In! Two more to go! Click on the poster above or use the embedded player below to hear what special self-help present my true love gave to me on the TENTH DAY OF BLISSMAS!

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Click on the poster above or use the embedded player below to hear what special self-help present my true love gave to me on the NINTH DAY OF BLISSMAS!

There’s more holiday-themed madness all over the place on the Paul Maul site! Find it here.

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Oh, sure, he’s a symbol of joy and wonder during the holiday season, but the fact is that Saint Nick has been working through some serious dysfunction over the years. Hey, Santa, you’re off for 364 days of the year, you think maybe you could make it to one my seminars? Think about it.

THE TOP TEN REASONS SANTA CLAUS NEEDS SELF-HELP

1. Predilection for shimmying down a chimney instead of entering through a window points to unresolved birth canal issues, along with festering low self-esteem that prevents him from truly being “seen.”

2. Apparently, witnesses report him laying his finger aside of his nose, and yet he refuses to attend even one Narcotics Anonymous meeting.

3. Involved in a troubling, possibly asexual relationship with his wife; bursts into gales of unprovoked laughter to hide the pain that results from lack of intimacy.

4. Justifies making a small crew of non-union elves break their backs to manufacture approximately thirteen billion toys in roughly nine hours by stroking his ego about the joy he supposedly brings to so many girls and boys. All of whom never actually set eyes on him and will cease to believe he exists by the time they are seven.

5. Thinks that his one night of aerobic exercise qualifies as a health regimen.

6. Despite his obvious inner pain about the hideous Santa Clause franchise, he refuses to publicly denounce Tim Allen’s portrayal of him.

7. Appointing himself judge and jury, he spies on children from the heavens and doesn’t think twice about leaving coal in the  stockings of those he deems unworthy. Classic passive-aggressive withholding behavior.

8. Remains in denial about his philandering ways despite the many children who have seen mommy kissing Santa Claus.

9. Allows himself to overlook the harsh working conditions at his factory  just because he was magnanimous enough to let some misfit reindeer be the headlight on his sleigh.

10. Has been waiting for the past several hundred years for the Food and Drug Administration to declare milk and cookies a vegetable.

I’m sure there are more reasons why our favorite delivery boy needs a little head shrinking. Feel free to contribute your own.

There’s more holiday-themed madness all over the place on the Paul Maul site! Find it here.

On the eighth day of Blissmas my true love gave to me…?

CLICK HERE FOR THE TWELVE DAYS OF BLISSMAS BUILD A SONG PODCAST: DAY EIGHT (or use the embedded player below)

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There’s more holiday-themed madness all over the place on the Paul Maul site! Find it here.

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Seven is a very powerful number. And as you listen to what my true love gave to me on the seventh day of Blissmas, try to remove all associations with the movie Se7en from your mind. I mean it, don’t think about Se7en. No, really, don’t.

CLICK HERE FOR THE TWELVE DAYS OF BLISSMAS BUILD A SONG PODCAST: DAY SEVEN (or use the embedded player below)

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I believe you understand how this works.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THE TWELVE DAYS OF BLISSMAS BUILD A SONG PODCAST: DAY SIX (or use the embedded player below)

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There’s more holiday-themed madness all over the place on the Paul Maul site! Find it here.

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It’s Day Five! That means we add the part where the notes are held out, you know, like in “five… golden… rings.” Except it’s not five golden rings. What did my true love give me on the fifth day of Blissmas? Listen and be jingled!

CLICK HERE FOR THE TWELVE DAYS OF BLISSMAS BUILD A SONG PODCAST: DAY FIVE (or use the embedded player below.)

There’s more holiday-themed madness all over the place on the Paul Maul site! Find it here.

Subscribe and download every Paul Maul podcast FREE on iTunes!

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