Superheroes are some of the most messed-up people on the planet, what with their origin stories usually involving some scarring psychological event like a death in the family or exposure to a body-altering chemical that makes Viagra look like a spirulina protein shake. Not only that, but many of them feel the need to dress up, wander the streets at night and look for trouble. Kind of like the Secret Service but with angst in place of hookers.
So, before the Avengers emblazon themselves on our movie-going consciousness, leaping about and looking superhuman and so freaking perfect, it might be helpful for viewers to know what kind of dysfunctional baggage these sad little specimens are lugging around inside their Spandex.
Captain America – A superhero whose superego is so engorged that he took it upon himself to represent an entire country — without asking anybody whether or not they wanted a man who looks like he would be equally at home either fighting crime or making it to the elimination round of Dancing with the Stars doing a bunch of foo fighting on their behalf.
Iron Man – Where to begin? Uses humor to put up a wall around his vulnerability and externalizes that same fear of sharing feelings by encasing himself head to toe in metal alloy. You couldn’t ask for a more transparent metaphor for someone who will not let you in emotionally.
 The Hulk – This guy has one of the worst anger management issues known to mankind, and it can be triggered by any onrush of negative emotions. Sadly, he puts his talent to use throwing around military vehicles like toys instead of taking it where it could do some good, like the ten items or less line or when some douchebag takes up two parking spaces.
Nick Fury – There is always one so-called “normal” superhero in the bunch, and, of course, that means he or she is usually prone to overcompensating for his or her human shortcomings. In the case of this Nick Fury, he is clearly overcompensating for the fact that he was once played by David Hasselhoff.
Hawkeye – An orphan who spent time with a traveling circus. Which means his life was somewhere between Oedipus and an episode of Carnivale. Of course this leads him to having issues with authority, which is fine in superhero stories because a hothead is always good for some tension and ill-advised violence, however let’s face it if you had to deal with this kind of insecure nutjob at, say, your job, you would be meeting with Human Resources faster than you can say toxic co-worker. Oh, and the arrows? About as phallic as the Washington Monument, bucko.
Black Widow – As you can see from this photograph, there is nothing wrong with Black Widow. Absolutely Nothing.
Thor – Nothing like being some kind of God to make you act like some kind of God. Insufferable. And that hammer? Oh, we covered that with Hawkeye’s arrows.
There’s always more Paul Maul lunacy to be found. Try some here. Or on Funny or Die!
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