This clip from Paul’s wildly popular Shove it Upwards TV Fund Drive special shows how each of us must deal with our inner child, preferably by shaking it down for its lunch money.

GO HERE TO VOTE FUNNY!

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 Yes, this is Mr. Paul Maul at his most raw, his most naked, his most embarrassingly awkward. And he still lets this stuff go on the air as part of his TV Fund Drive special. He either has no shame, or wants to share his pain so that you can learn from it. Let’s say the latter, shall we?

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It must be a terrible burden on football players to not only participate in a grueling competitive sport, but to provide motivational speakers with a constant supply of metaphors.  After all, what is life if not getting the living crap beaten out of you every time you attempt to advance a few measly yards?  What is every new venture if not a kick-off?  What is every crazy idea if not a Hail Mary pass?  What is every setback but a fumble?  What is every imaginary psychological roadblock we set up for ourselves if not the line of scrimmage?  Okay, perhaps that last one was a bit of a reach, but ‘scrimmage’ is a very funny word and there just aren’t that many opportunities to use it in a sentence.

To continue the self-realization analogies, we can’t “receive” the bounty we deserve until we find ourselves having broken through all our “defenses” to be, at last, “open” to the opportunity that is being “passed” onto us. Yes, this is an unbearably twee set of comparisons to use in relation to an aggressive, testosterone-driven contact sport.  I’m aware of that.  My penis practically fell off just mentioning this stuff.  But trying to make something of ourselves can give us quite a symbolic pummeling, and the bruises we carry from allowing our past insecurities to sabotage our success can be every bit as real as those inflicted by a man the size of an Ikea wall unit whose strategy for preventing you from reaching the 30 yard line is to deliberately shatter your humerus.

One of the options we have to get through the allegorical ass-whooping we call life is to not take it too seriously.  Unfortunately, professional sports is now played on such an enormous scale that it would be impossible for anyone on either team to get any perspective on the actual importance of their undertaking.  They are not in a position to simply take a deep breath and contemplate that maybe in the vast scheme of things, a loss or victory in this final game of the year will not make even the slightest dent in the cosmic fabric.   In a perfect world, there would be a pre-game announcement on the JumboTron reminding everybody that, compared to some of the world’s more pressing issues, there really is very little riding on the outcome of the competition.

Of course, whoever made this announcement would likely be hunted down by all 70,000 of the aforementioned fans and publicly disemboweled.  And no one would press charges.  Plus, for all my work striving to bring others inner enlightenment, I couldn’t be the one to make that announcement.  After all, I, too, am among those who succumb to a near clinical depression when my home team doesn’t make it into the playoffs, even though the home team is made up of a series of people who have been traded from so many other cities that the chances of anyone on the home team actually being from my home is infinitesimal at best.  This is the pact we make with professional sports.  For a little while, we allow the players to be the conduits of our hopes and dreams.  That’s why watching them fight to gain a couple of yards means so much to us.  There is a lot riding on it, damn it, and those players are enacting a metaphor for our inner struggle and we don’t mind paying them big bucks to do it.

As for the halftime show, let’s pray for a wardrobe malfunction.

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So you want to stay hip to the current nomenclature but don’t want to lose your self-improvement edge? Well, what if the world of texting, Facebook and Twitter had to step aside for your kick ass acronyms?  Now it does, thanks to these new, empow-WOW-ering definitions for popular shortened phrases used on smartphones and iPads worldwide.

Reclaim your power! Text some motivational messages to the people in your life who need them most! (Okay, so maybe the people in your life who need them most are whiny, depressing twerps on whom you are tired of expending any helpful energy, but still.)

 TOP TEN SELF-HELP TEXTING ACRONYMS

1. LOL – Laughing Out Loud – Loving Other Losers. This lets someone know that when you are feeling down, you are reaching out to other pitiful douches just like yourself.
2. LMAO – Laughing My Ass Off – Living More Authentically Ow. To tell everyone that you are on your own personal journey of truthfulness, but that it hurts.
3. OMG – Oh My God – Oprah Made God. A gentle reminder that without Oprah, self-help would have been relegated to the scrap heap of history after the Carter administration, and therefore she might well be a higher deity than the man (or woman) upstairs.
4. FTW – For the Win – Freaking Totally Wizard. A way to say that things are awesome, plus it makes you sound a little British, which is always good if you are trying to hook up.
5. IRL – In Real Life – It’s Really Liberating. Use this to communicate that you are stepping outside your comfort zone and growing as a person. Works even better if you are naked while typing it.
6. JK – Just Kidding – Joyful Knowing. I have no idea what this means but it sounded just perfectly New Age douchey so I included it.
7. WTF – What the F*ck – Watching Television Fund-Drive. Lets everyone know you are not to be disturbed because Wayne Dyer is on, helping PBS raise money by offering up his books and CDs at eight times what you could get them for on Amazon.
8. SMH – Shaking My Head – Stop Manipulating Him (also: Stop Manipulating Her). To be used when you get a message about how someone you know is giving someone else you know a hard time and so you send a message back to the first someone telling him or her to stop being a passive aggressive suckbag.
9. IDK – I Don’t Know – I’m Delusional Kiddo. Pretty self-explanatory.
10. WDYMBT – What Do You Mean By That? – Why Did You Marry Bob Talbot? – Sorry, that’s just one I always send my ex.

There’s always more Paul Maul lunacy to be found. Try some here.

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I sit in silence.

.

A small breeze stirs.

.

A dog barks.

.

Soon, there is only the sound of my own breathing.

.

And then, I become deeply aware of my own heartbeat.

.

It begins to creep me out.

.

I realize I will one day die.

.

Suck it, meditation.

Enjoy more self-help posts, lists and pseudo-wisdom by clicking here!

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Go ahead, try to deny where you came from. You cannot. And before long, your heritage will find its way into your every gesture. Please don’t blame the messenger. Just click on the logo above (or the embedded player below) and open your ears to the truth.

Don’t forget, you can get all the written–or spoken–wisdom you need right here.

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TOP TEN PROMISES OF MR. PAUL MAUL’S  EMPOW-WOW-ERMENT PARTY

1. I will begin each day by talking to the economy and making sure it realizes how important it is to all of us.  Soon, the economy will develop a better sense of self-worth and pass that worth onto the American people in the form of new jobs.
2. Constitution to be replaced with copies of “The Secret.”
3. As long as they can provide a convincing written explanation of what is wrong with them, homosexuals will be allowed to marry.
4. As part of my five-year plan to reduce stress in everyday life, I will institute the death penalty for taking more than ten items through the ten items or less line.
5. I will continue to allow tax cuts for the rich as long as the rich promise to learn more about sharing.
6. I will balance the budget by making sure to put a Libra in charge of the budget.
7. I will replace the Pledge of Allegiance in our schools with the Pledge of Empow-WOW-erment (full text below).
8. I will put no restrictions on gun use.  However, if you shoot up your office or a school I would ask that you take a really long, hard look at why you behaved so unconsciously.  (Those who shoot themselves following any mass carnage will be exempt from this introspection.)
9. I will end our dependence on foreign oil with the power of my mind alone by using law of attraction principles as outlined in the new Constitution (see #2).
10. Finally, I will pay no attention to the constant, nagging critical voice in my head that keeps saying the first nine promises are ridiculous.  By refusing to embrace any negativity, I will be able to implement all the steps in this political platform no matter what anybody thinks. So even if everything goes right down the shitter, I will be remembered as someone with the strength of my convictions.  And that’s how it works, people.

Thank you for your support.

THE PLEDGE OF EMPOW-WOW-ERMENT

I pledge allegiance to myself

And occasionally to Deepak Chopra

And to my development

For which I stand

One person

Fully realized

With inner strength

And awesomeness

For all

.

.Enjoy more self-help posts, lists and pseudo-wisdom by clicking here!

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This is what it’s all been building up to! What did my true love give to me on the last day of Blissmas? Click on the poster above or use the embedded player below to hear what special self-help present my true love gave to me on the…

GRAND FINALE TWELFTH DAY OF BLISSMAS!

(HINT: IT’S A PERSON)

There’s more holiday-themed madness all over the place on the Paul Maul site! Find it here.

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The penultimate episode! One day away from all twelve self-help presents (or it it presence?). Click on the poster above or use the embedded player below to hear what special self-help present my true love gave to me on the ELEVENTH DAY OF BLISSMAS!

There’s more holiday-themed madness all over the place on the Paul Maul site! Find it here.

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Ten Days In! Two more to go! Click on the poster above or use the embedded player below to hear what special self-help present my true love gave to me on the TENTH DAY OF BLISSMAS!

There’s more holiday-themed madness all over the place on the Paul Maul site! Find it here.

Subscribe and download all the Paul Maul podcasts for FREE on iTunes

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