Here is some truly insightful Paul Maul wisdom to inspire and empower your Valentine’s Day.  Let’s face it, chocolates and flowers pretty much suck in the face of such helpful advice.

“If you want love to come into your life, you must first let love for yourself into your own heart, after which you can welcome the love of another into the loving space you have created within you through the love you have manifested by that creation and you will then discover that the love blossoming in yourself is the love that you can now give to the love that has been offering you love all along.”  

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Hard to believe, but sometimes it is just that simple.

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Don’t forget, you can get all the written–or spoken–wisdom you need right here.

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TOP TEN PROMISES OF MR. PAUL MAUL’S  EMPOW-WOW-ERMENT PARTY

1. I will begin each day by talking to the economy and making sure it realizes how important it is to all of us.  Soon, the economy will develop a better sense of self-worth and pass that worth onto the American people in the form of new jobs.
2. Constitution to be replaced with copies of “The Secret.”
3. As long as they can provide a convincing written explanation of what is wrong with them, homosexuals will be allowed to marry.
4. As part of my five-year plan to reduce stress in everyday life, I will institute the death penalty for taking more than ten items through the ten items or less line.
5. I will continue to allow tax cuts for the rich as long as the rich promise to learn more about sharing.
6. I will balance the budget by making sure to put a Libra in charge of the budget.
7. I will replace the Pledge of Allegiance in our schools with the Pledge of Empow-WOW-erment (full text below).
8. I will put no restrictions on gun use.  However, if you shoot up your office or a school I would ask that you take a really long, hard look at why you behaved so unconsciously.  (Those who shoot themselves following any mass carnage will be exempt from this introspection.)
9. I will end our dependence on foreign oil with the power of my mind alone by using law of attraction principles as outlined in the new Constitution (see #2).
10. Finally, I will pay no attention to the constant, nagging critical voice in my head that keeps saying the first nine promises are ridiculous.  By refusing to embrace any negativity, I will be able to implement all the steps in this political platform no matter what anybody thinks. So even if everything goes right down the shitter, I will be remembered as someone with the strength of my convictions.  And that’s how it works, people.

Thank you for your support.

THE PLEDGE OF EMPOW-WOW-ERMENT

I pledge allegiance to myself

And occasionally to Deepak Chopra

And to my development

For which I stand

One person

Fully realized

With inner strength

And awesomeness

For all

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.Enjoy more self-help posts, lists and pseudo-wisdom by clicking here!

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We in the self-help field will do anything to get our clients to a deeper self-awareness. And by anything, I mean anything short of stripping naked and immersing ourselves into a vat of boysenberry Yoplait while lip-syncing the karaoke version of Jenny From the Block.  And, let’s face it, if the payoff on the investment was good enough, we would probably do that, too.

In any case, it’s my job to guide you to your own sense of empow-WOW-erment!  And I have found, as I did last year, that by starting the new year pretending it has already ended,  some new and powerful truths emerge. Many of which often involve stripping naked, Yoplait and J-Lo, but this is for after the New Year’s Eve partying has worn off.

So, once again, imagine: the year is over and you are reflecting upon the goals you set in 2012.  Read through the declarations below, resolutions if you will, and decide whether or not you can truly kick off the year with pride and a minimum of self-loathing. I know you can do it!

2012 END OF YEAR RESOLUTION CHECKLIST

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HAVE I…?

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1. Offered thanks to those angels who have helped me on my path to success? Offered a steady campaign of harassing emails to those suckbags who have not?
   
2. Taken a moment of every day to simply appreciate the miracle of being alive and being able to continue this soul-sucking grind for another lackluster 24-hour period?
   
3. Finally come to terms with the cancellation of Oprah?
   
4. Welcomed the energy of wealth consciousness into the credit card I used to pay for that wealth consciousness seminar?
5. Tried my hardest to obtain closure with my family members, even when it means taking the drastic step of actually speaking to them?
6. Resolved to give all my spare change to the homeless, even though I don’t have any spare change anymore because no one uses cash and it’s kind of difficult to offer a homeless person a swipe of your ATM?
   
7. Shouted “F*ck the Mayan Calendar!” to the sky at least once a week?
8. Looked at the role I played in every conflict that was clearly someone else’s damn fault?
   
9. Laughed at a situation in which I could have chosen to cry instead but there were people around and no way are they going to see me at my most emotionally naked?
10. Learned even one thing about how to live by observing how a perfect, graceful animal functions in the world?  I mean, besides humping whatever it wants and crapping wherever it pleases and occasionally killing another animal in order to eat it because these are not the things to look for when using the beauty of the natural world to illustrate some vague idea about how humans should conduct themselves?

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So, how’d ya do? Did you make the most of 2012? If not, just remember to Shove it Upwards and you’ll be back on track in no time.  Happy New You Year!

Enjoy more self-help posts, lists and pseudo-wisdom by clicking here!

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Oh, sure, he’s a symbol of joy and wonder during the holiday season, but the fact is that Saint Nick has been working through some serious dysfunction over the years. Hey, Santa, you’re off for 364 days of the year, you think maybe you could make it to one my seminars? Think about it.

THE TOP TEN REASONS SANTA CLAUS NEEDS SELF-HELP

1. Predilection for shimmying down a chimney instead of entering through a window points to unresolved birth canal issues, along with festering low self-esteem that prevents him from truly being “seen.”

2. Apparently, witnesses report him laying his finger aside of his nose, and yet he refuses to attend even one Narcotics Anonymous meeting.

3. Involved in a troubling, possibly asexual relationship with his wife; bursts into gales of unprovoked laughter to hide the pain that results from lack of intimacy.

4. Justifies making a small crew of non-union elves break their backs to manufacture approximately thirteen billion toys in roughly nine hours by stroking his ego about the joy he supposedly brings to so many girls and boys. All of whom never actually set eyes on him and will cease to believe he exists by the time they are seven.

5. Thinks that his one night of aerobic exercise qualifies as a health regimen.

6. Despite his obvious inner pain about the hideous Santa Clause franchise, he refuses to publicly denounce Tim Allen’s portrayal of him.

7. Appointing himself judge and jury, he spies on children from the heavens and doesn’t think twice about leaving coal in the  stockings of those he deems unworthy. Classic passive-aggressive withholding behavior.

8. Remains in denial about his philandering ways despite the many children who have seen mommy kissing Santa Claus.

9. Allows himself to overlook the harsh working conditions at his factory  just because he was magnanimous enough to let some misfit reindeer be the headlight on his sleigh.

10. Has been waiting for the past several hundred years for the Food and Drug Administration to declare milk and cookies a vegetable.

I’m sure there are more reasons why our favorite delivery boy needs a little head shrinking. Feel free to contribute your own.

There’s more holiday-themed madness all over the place on the Paul Maul site! Find it here.

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There is no better time to use the phrase ‘there is no better time’ than the magical holiday season. In fact, there is no better time to use the word ‘magical’ than during the magical holiday season. But let’s face it, the season of giving can also be the season of stress, difficult emotions and pepper spray.

Well, there’s nothing more calming than hearing a nose flute play in the background while a soothing voice reads verses designed to make you go WTF? And that’s just what these splendid self-help haikus are meant to do. Join the 5-7-5 revolution and stay empow-WOW-ered this holiday!

1.

You better watch out

You better not cry because

No one’s listening

2.

How did it happen?

A gift card from Ace Hardware

More thoughtful than cash?

3.

Snow blankets the town

As though dusted from heaven

Frig that, driving blows

4.

A child’s sweet belief

In Santa is the height of

Gullibility

5.

Make the yuletide gay!

Just don’t get married you gays

You will give Christ gas

Man, can’t you just float away on a sea of tranquility now? I know I can. But that’s because of what I charge for my seminars.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

There’s more holiday-themed madness all over the place on the Paul Maul site! Find it here.

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And if you would like to reminisce about what topics were trending a while back and are now forgotten, check out my Gratitude Lists from 2009 and 2010.

In the meantime, I thought I would recreate those awkward, douche-chilling moments around the Thanksgiving family table in which some goofy moron asks each person to announce what he or she is thankful for. And, because it’s a holiday, everyone sucks it up, grits their teeth and forces out a few platitudes about good health and the constant wonder that is their pre-adolescent child.

So, just picture me, your virtual self-help dinner guest, launching into a diatribe about gratefulness, right there at your table, just before the symbolic slicing of a dead turkey (or the doling out of a tofu turkey, if you are in a state that commonly has rallies regarding hemp).

PAUL MAUL’S THANKSGIVING GRATITUDE LIST

This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for:

1. Being uninsured. Knowing you have no access to health care is the perfect incentive to stay healthy by constantly keeping a positive outlook!
2.  Dexter. Just because.
3.  Football. The drama of life, reenacted on the playing field. And by drama of life, I mean slowly advancing yard by yard while people kick the shit out of you.
4. The Tea Party. They made the list again this year, because I would not know who to hate without them.
5. My family. A constant reminder of why I like football.
6. Smartphones. Always good to have another reason to not fully engage in a conversation.
7. Corporations. Now that they are people, they run the risk of one day becoming zombies, at which point we may have to cleave their skulls in two with an entrenching tool.
8. Oprah. For finally ending her TV show and leaving room for me to dominate the burgeoning field of gratitude journals.
9. Greece. For showing the rest of us what’s in store.
10. Hollywood. For continuing to make crappy movies that I continue to give rave reviews.

If you have something you’re grateful for, leave a comment and add it to the list!  Happy Thanksgiving, Maulcontents! (Thanks to NegativSteve for that handle!)

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It’s a magical season. Crisp, clean air.  Air that is crisp and clean. Clean air that is also crisp. Basically, there’s so much crispness and cleanness and airness that you want to leap about for joy. Just not in shorts and a t-shirt, is all. Welcome to autumn! That magical season of crisp, clean air and….oh, wow. Everything just circled back on itself. Heavy.

PAUL MAUL’S ALL-NEW MOTIVATIONAL HAIKUS FOR FALL

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1.

Leaves have changed color

They crunch under your footsteps

Pretend they’re your boss

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2.

Children trick or treat

Ask for what they want, get it

Ha. Lucky bastards.

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3.

Wait, what’s this I see?

There, in yonder retail store

Damn. It’s Christmas stuff.

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4.

It’s chilly, honey

Let’s cuddle, watch a movie

No! Not The Notebook!

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5.

Picking fresh apples

Nose runs; wipe it on my hand

Fruit not so fresh now.

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There. Wasn’t that the haikuiest? There’s tons more Paul Maul wonderment. Check it out!

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Why, there’s all sorts of Paul Maul lunacy. Explore some more.

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With the return of fall comes the return to various forms of public and private education.  If the former, it means the students need to pack heat to get through the more immediate challenges of survival in the school year.  And if the latter, it means the students are wealthy enough to afford drugs to get them through the more cerebral challenges: such as coping with their inner angst and ennui about whether or not learning has any purpose in the grander scheme of things.

Thankfully, self-help and motivational speaking has a role to play in keeping everybody on track for a fully-actualized school year, during which they can get the most out of their lesson plans.  And, my tips are in handy list form, so you don’t have to read that much to get the key information you need: just like when you hit up Wikipedia instead of actually consulting the required text book for your course!

MR. PAUL MAUL’S TOP TEN TIPS FOR BACK TO SCHOOL EMPOW-WOW-ERMENT!

1. Parents! Now that summer is over, make sure to draft up a quarterly wall calendar of regimented activities for your children to adhere to during the school year, including designated times for homework, bedtime, after-school activities, sports and play dates.  Not only does this handy schedule prevent your kids from straying into destructive leisure activities like hanging out with friends, listening to music or being introduced to a gateway drug, it will also form them into the hard-wired automatons incapable of imagination and creativity that they will need to be to survive in the jungle of corporate America..
2. College students, remember that interacting on Facebook and Twitter all day is a viable alternative to engaging in your school’s curriculum.  After all, it is probably your friends who will end up getting you a job in the real world, and not your knowledge of the collapse of the freaking Ottoman Empire..
3. High school students, remember that interacting on Facebook and Twitter all day is a viable alternative to engaging in your school’s curriculum.  After all, it is  your friends who will determine whether or not your are cool or an outcast during these four years of peer pressure-dictated hell, and not your reading comprehension scores on To Kill a Freaking Mockingbird. Even if you do get to read it on a Kindle.
4. Junior high school students, remember that interacting on Facebook and Twitter all day is a viable alternative to engaging in your school’s curriculum.  After all, it is your own response to your rapidly approaching adolescence and hormonal upheaval that will determine your level of happiness during this crucial stage in your development,  and not your grasp of Pre-freaking-Algebra.
5. Kids, if you are plagued by a school bully, behave like Gandhi or Jesus and practice non-violence. This will confound the bully to such an extent that he will stop short of drawing blood while pummeling you.
6. Teachers, make your new incoming class of youngsters feel welcome by telling them that the Pledge of Allegiance is a fascist tradition and that we should all become Luddites and godless Socialists like our President who wasn’t even born here.
7. Parents, it is natural for your child to be nervous about the first day of school.  Make sure to emphasize the positive aspects of starting another school year, such as reuniting with old friends, or being gone for seven hours a day so daddy and mommy can finally get back to some regular pre-work humping.
8. Students, it is up to you to monitor the fat and sugar content in your school lunches.  Good luck with that.
9. Develop good study habits.  Just remember you will be called a pussy and most likely ostracized.
10. Never forget that the key to success in life is inextricably linked to staying in school and completing your education. Unless you choose a life of crime, in which case you might do fairly well without it.

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Got back to school tips of your own?

Why, there’s all sorts of Paul Maul self-help lunacy. Check out some more!

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It’s summertime!  And Paul Maul’s list of self-help friendly activities has returned…freshly-updated with an all-new summer reading list and an even more vitriolic spin on theme parks!  So, whether you’re spending quality time with your significant other, your kids or just yourself, here’s a rollicking list of activities to help you make self-help part of your busy summer agenda!

1. VISIT A THEME PARK!

Theme parks can be a veritable petri dish of simmering family dysfunction (as well as a veritable petri dish of other families’ simmering viral infections), and as such they provide the perfect breeding ground for lessons in healthy selfdom.  For example, use the 90 minutes spent waiting in a sweltering line just to experience a two-minute ride involving a ten-second plunge toward your possible extinction to meditate and be still. Try not to focus on wishing you were anywhere else, including inside an unmaintenanced porta-potty at a mid-August outdoor jazz festival.  Soon, you’ll come to an inner peace and momentarily forget that this cripplingly mundane so-called adventure you’ve signed off on is costing you more than a year of cable, and that’s before the twenty bucks per head you have to drop on a bread bowl full of melted cheese at the cavalierly-named “restaurant” which is actually the only place to eat within six miles of the parking lot.

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2. GO CAMPING!

Need some perspective on how good you’ve got it?  Nothing brings a family together like the futility of trying to get water to a decent boil on a portable stove just so you can wolf down a meal of dehydrated eggs and faux bacon between wishing you could have a decent shower and didn’t have to dig a hole to crap in.

3. CATCH UP ON YOUR SUMMER READING!

www.jenniferyoung.com

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Horror giant Dean Koontz offers another chapter in his Frankenstein series; then there’s Go the F*ck To Sleep, the charming children’s book for adults about wishing your little monster would doze off already, and Ann Coulter has a new book called Demonic: How the Liberal Mob is Endangering America so there are all sorts of ways to read about freakish and/or annoying creatures while you sit and increase your risk of skin diseases.

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4. SEE A FREE SYMPHONY CONCERT!

So many cities offer free outdoor entertainment at this time of year, so get some air and get some culture, too.  It’s a great way to calm those jangled nerves and lower stress.  Just make sure you go with someone who doesn’t have a stick up their ass about classical music, because they will get really pissed if you fall asleep, which you will undoubtedly do.  And yet, they brought along the picnic basket full of fatty foods and wine,  so what did they expect?

5. HIT THE BEACH!

Confront those body-image issues head-on by proudly stripping down to a Speed-O or bikini without bothering to do six weeks at the health club to get in shape.  If people you don’t even know can’t stand the sight of you without perfectly toned muscles or a six-pack, they can go put their heads in the sand!  Be proud of who you are!  We’re all going to the same place in the end! (I mean we’re all going to die, not that we’re all going to the beach.   Just a little timeless wisdom.)

How will you stay emotionally healthy this summer?

Why, there’s all sorts of Paul Maul self-help lunacy. Check out some more!

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