There is no better time to use the phrase ‘there is no better time’ than the magical holiday season. In fact, there is no better time to use the word ‘magical’ than during the magical holiday season. But let’s face it, the season of giving can also be the season of stress, difficult emotions and pepper spray.
Well, there’s nothing more calming than hearing a nose flute play in the background while a soothing voice reads verses designed to make you go WTF? And that’s just what these splendid self-help haikus are meant to do. Join the 5-7-5 revolution and stay empow-WOW-ered this holiday!
1.
You better watch out
You better not cry because
No one’s listening
2.
How did it happen?
A gift card from Ace Hardware
More thoughtful than cash?
3.
Snow blankets the town
As though dusted from heaven
Frig that, driving blows
4.
A child’s sweet belief
In Santa is the height of
Gullibility
5.
Make the yuletide gay!
Just don’t get married you gays
You will give Christ gas
Man, can’t you just float away on a sea of tranquility now? I know I can. But that’s because of what I charge for my seminars.
Happy Holidays to everyone!
There’s more holiday-themed madness all over the place on the Paul Maul site! Find it here.
HOLY CRAP! PAUL MAUL IS AVAILABLE IN BOOK FORM!--DOWNLOAD "SHOVE IT UPWARDS!" THE E-BOOK!
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November 28th, 2011 at 14:04
Thank you, Paul, these haikus always brighten my holiday! And boy, do I know something about Christ and gas. We roadtripped to Phoenix once and made the mistake of eating at a Taco Bell along the way. Three Gorditas later and the son of God’s a fart calliope.
November 28th, 2011 at 14:15
I offer my haiku in honor of your post:
You shove perfection
till I almost crap myself
I thank you kind sir
Now Grasshopper, grab these pebbles from my hand. Yes, they’re pebbles. Listen, I know they look brown and soft but trust me, they’re friggin pebbles!!!!
Thanks my friend!!
November 28th, 2011 at 18:54
How moved I am now
Your outpouring is so great
Pebbles? Pebbles? Yuck!
Thank you for your meditative and thoughtful response. Upwardly, Paul.
November 28th, 2011 at 18:55
I can’t believe I have lived this long without hearing the phrase “fart calliope.” I thank you from the bottom of my fart. Heart!
November 29th, 2011 at 11:46
Love the haikus!
November 29th, 2011 at 13:19
And the haikus love you!
November 30th, 2011 at 18:53
Long time since I visited. Glad to confirm you are as warped and twysted as ever. Must admit I found these haikus (gesundheit) to be very funny, and I am jellos because I can’t rejoinder at that level
November 30th, 2011 at 21:55
To Mister Paul Maul
Spreading peace thru the cosmos
Pebbles become worlds
December 1st, 2011 at 00:32
You have brought me…Serenity Now! And I thank you.
December 1st, 2011 at 00:33
Somehow, the way you expressed that sounded like a darn fine rejoinder to me! Empow-WOW-eringly, Paul.