Everyone has gathered in London to go aghast at Mitt Romney’s insensitivity. Oh, yes, and to cheer on the Olympic Games! But there are some other competitions happening this year that will not be getting the full attention of the media and yet are just as vital to the peak performance of all mental athletes. Here, then, are some of the key competitions occurring off the beaten path in London.
THE TOP FIVE EVENTS AT THE SUMMER SELF-HELP OLYMPICS
Synchronized Swimming In Self-Pity – Teams of angst-ridden miscreants gather in a room to vent about how horrible their victimized lives are. First team to realize that their pattern of speech is subconsciously controlling their destinies as annoying losers wins.
Emotional Hurdles – Competitors break into a brisk run and must then leap over barriers representing their most persistent nagging shortcomings. Literally tripping over such characteristics as low self-esteem, negativity and a judgmental nature can really help a person realize what a douche he or she is being.
The Pummel Horse – How well can you self-flagellate? The judges will be the judge of that, as you run through the roster of your most heinous qualities until told to get over yourself and stop blaming your parents for everything.
Men’s Greco-Roman Wrestling with Feelings – Two men sit and watch Field of Dreams until one of them shows the vulnerability necessary to erupt into tears over the fragility of father-son relationships.
Women’s Uneven Parallel Miscommunication – In which a female speaks clearly and directly to her boyfriend or spouse who, in turn, reveals in front of a stadium full of people that he not only has misinterpreted her intention but probably wasn’t even listening.
If you have your own suggestions for self-help Olympic events, feel free to add them!
There’s always more Paul Maul lunacy to be found. Try some here. Or on Funny or Die!
Tags: motivational speaker, pop culture, self-help, sports
I’m fond of Boxing, the sport where each competitor selects items of emotional value to their partner, and then leaves them in a box outside the front door to their apartment. Scores are based on the creativity of the dumping and the effect on the jilted partner.
Often one of the winning team gets murdered or committs suicide. In a good year, both are gone, and the medal has to be accepted by their parents.
A very moving competition. Brings new meaning to the phrase “Big Box Store.” Thank you for your carefully considered comment, John C.