And if you would like to reminisce about what topics were trending a while back and are now forgotten, check out my Gratitude Lists from 2009 and 2010.

In the meantime, I thought I would recreate those awkward, douche-chilling moments around the Thanksgiving family table in which some goofy moron asks each person to announce what he or she is thankful for. And, because it’s a holiday, everyone sucks it up, grits their teeth and forces out a few platitudes about good health and the constant wonder that is their pre-adolescent child.

So, just picture me, your virtual self-help dinner guest, launching into a diatribe about gratefulness, right there at your table, just before the symbolic slicing of a dead turkey (or the doling out of a tofu turkey, if you are in a state that commonly has rallies regarding hemp).

PAUL MAUL’S THANKSGIVING GRATITUDE LIST

This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for:

1. Being uninsured. Knowing you have no access to health care is the perfect incentive to stay healthy by constantly keeping a positive outlook!
2.  Dexter. Just because.
3.  Football. The drama of life, reenacted on the playing field. And by drama of life, I mean slowly advancing yard by yard while people kick the shit out of you.
4. The Tea Party. They made the list again this year, because I would not know who to hate without them.
5. My family. A constant reminder of why I like football.
6. Smartphones. Always good to have another reason to not fully engage in a conversation.
7. Corporations. Now that they are people, they run the risk of one day becoming zombies, at which point we may have to cleave their skulls in two with an entrenching tool.
8. Oprah. For finally ending her TV show and leaving room for me to dominate the burgeoning field of gratitude journals.
9. Greece. For showing the rest of us what’s in store.
10. Hollywood. For continuing to make crappy movies that I continue to give rave reviews.

If you have something you’re grateful for, leave a comment and add it to the list!  Happy Thanksgiving, Maulcontents! (Thanks to NegativSteve for that handle!)

HOLY CRAP! PAUL MAUL IS AVAILABLE IN BOOK FORM!--DOWNLOAD "SHOVE IT UPWARDS!" THE E-BOOK!

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