I don’t really think I need to waste my time on this drivel. Dear God in heaven, it was fantastic!

“If the makers of Final Destination 5 are going to the trouble of finding ever-more creative ways to depict the implosion of the human body into a seeping mass of bulging, dislodged intestines and horribly mutilated flesh, the least you could do is show your appreciation by joyfully vomiting bile into your popcorn.”  – Mr. Paul Maul, mrpaulmaul.com

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Check out all the Paul Maul movie-related madness here!

As part of the run-up to April Fool’s, we’re featuring different Paul Maul classics all week until the actual day of foolery. Here’s one of Mr. Maul’s personal favorites!

History and classic literature are only just beginning to get the monster movie mash-up treatment, most famously demonstrated of late by Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a Jane Austen romance featuring the titular flesh eaters and the fairly self explanatory Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

Thankfully,  my time-honored profession of self-improvement has taken note of this trend and is using it to broaden the appeal of the personal growth movement.  For too long, we peddlers of enlightenment have been ignoring that vast, untapped demographic of people who won’t read anything unless it involves the puncturing or tearing of human flesh.    Those days are gone.  Here, then are:

THE TOP FIVE SELF-HELP/HORROR MASH-UPS

1. Rich Dad, Poor Zombie.  Whether or not your father was a good financial role model or an ordinary Joe whose entrenched negative attitudes about money came from trying to succeed in the competitive world of having to gnaw on the flesh of his co-workers to survive, you’re sure to see a little piece of yourself in this powerful book.  If so, that little piece of yourself will likely be the small flap of mealy skin that has just been ripped from your exposed forearm.

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The Power of Virgin Blood.  As seen on Oprah, this revolutionary volume shows you how to reclaim the pure potential that lies in draining the blood of an innocent.  You’ll see how you can draw the good energy to you by offering virgin blood in ceremonies designed to get you the better job or loving relationship you’ve always wanted.  It’s like The Secret, only Satan does all the work.

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The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Vampires.  Whether you are a seasoned supernatural denizen of the night, or a novice who hasn’t progressed beyond repeated viewings of Twilight while feeding on small woodland animals, this world-renowned Bible of success would undoubtedly have helped Vlad the Impaler reach a pinnacle of which he had never dared dream, and it will surely help you, too.  It’s the one Holy Book that won’t make our bloodsucking friends have a hissy fit!

Change Into a Werewolf, Change Your Life.  You’ve seen the PBS fund drive specials–now experience a whole new dimension of growth, especially as it concerns your facial hair and fingernails.

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How to Win Friends & Influence the Undead.  It’s no secret that to get ahead in our careers we have to win the favor of some of the most soulless automatons known to mankind.   This newly-revised version of a classic takes that one step further, by showing each of us how an alliance with those doomed to roam our world for eternity can lead us to realizing our greatest destiny.  Which may be to cleave their skulls in twain with a rusty shovel, but there you go.

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HONORABLE MENTION:

Succubi & Money.  Hey, we all have something weighing heavily on our chest each night.  We might as well make the most of it.

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Ageless Body, Timeless Mind.  Actually, I think this one is already about vampires.

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Just checking.

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For the eleven people who might be unfamiliar with the Twilight Saga, the Cullens are a family of “vegetarian” vampires.  That would be bloodsuckers that have made the commitment to only siphon off the life essence of animals, not humans.  While this altruistic decision is cold comfort to the four-legged friends who will be slaughtered in our stead, it certainly must be acknowledged as a step in the right direction.  As the second film in the series begins, the Cullens even move away to spare Bella, the series’ young heroine, any danger–after she is attacked by one of their number at a birthday party thrown in her honor.  (She cuts her finger while opening a present, and the blood is just too much for one Jasper Hale, who has clearly not yet received his 30-day chip from Hemoglobinichs Anonymous.)  Of course, this leaves Bella bereft at losing her beloved Edward Cullen, although she is young and does not understand that Hollywood will supply her with a never-ending succession of brooding pretty boys who are filling the void left by the brain dead-looking Calvin Klein billboard models that once proliferated our landscape. In fact, one of them, as revealed in “New Moon,” is a werewolf, which means he sadly does not retain his sculpted features while in the process of disemboweling people every thirty days.

The Cullen family, though, merits further discussion from a self-help perspective.  They are clearly a metaphor for a group of people who have modified their lifestyles in the hopes of not falling into line with the more toxic elements exemplified by their larger peer group.  The Cullens, then, are like the once-unenlightened mega corporation whose quest for profits without heed to the environment abruptly gives way to the spearheading of a green initiative.  Or the spiritually empty boss who has an epiphany and suddenly introduces flextime, along with on-site fifteen minute massages.  On a more intimate level, the Cullens can be likened to the ruthless, mean-spirited, materialistic stock speculator who one day decides not to verbally abuse the homeless person he steps over in the entryway of his doorman building and instead opts for offering to buy the less fortunate citizen lunch and a new wardrobe so that he can get back on his feet and look for a job (although not a job with the stock speculator’s firm—one can’t expect full transformation in such a short time).

Simply put, Edward Cullen and his clan tell us that while we live in a world of emotional vampires, we do not have to march to their fluid-draining tune.  We can work within an ugly, evil system and maintain our own high standards, ones that are geared more toward society evolving in a positive, harmonious way than toward the insatiable need to befoul each business transaction by compulsively sucking the essence out of every potential client we meet.  Thank you, Twilight Saga, for leading the way in getting this message out there.  In fact, Cullens: if you ever feel like touring with another leader in personal empowerment, let’s talk.  If we put our teeth together, we could raise a ton of money for public television.

Everyone and their blogger makes a top ten scary movies list around Halloween time, but how many of these lists have the stones to identify what’s really scary about a movie: its dysfunctional, unenlightened characters?  (For even more ghoulish fun along these lines, do revisit my collection of the top Halloween costumes and what they say about you.) It’s all very well to be frightened by torture porn, or a guy in a hockey mask or ethereal Asian toddlers who stand there looking eerie, but there isn’t a dismemberment out there that can hold a candle to the terror of watching people whose unconscious behavior keeps them from coming to a proper sense of their personal power. Here, then, are:

The Top Ten Scariest Movies Of All Time From A Motivational Speaker’s Perspective.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK – Indiana Jones is a  man afraid of intimacy and stuck in the belief that outward achievement is a substitute for finding  wholeness through work/life balance.  Rather than  confront any of his shortcomings and develop into a  successful, well-rounded individual, he siphons off his  inner power in the foolish pursuit of graven images,  adrenaline-charged adventure and wisecracks. And the ever-present whip may hint at another, more unsavory addiction.

GOOD WILL HUNTING – Hey, I got zippo validation  in childhood, too, that’s why I went into public  speaking. But I don’t go around letting Robin Williams  lock me in his hirsute embrace and tell me it’s not my  fault over and over again.  This self-forgiving blast of  shameless new-age ickiness makes a weeping emotional  outpouring on Oprah look like a Mixed Martial Arts Beat  Down.  Perhaps this whole movie was an elaborate pre-publicity stunt to prepare us for the warm, uplifting ride that was Patch Adams.

THE DARK KNIGHT – Of all the screen heroes to  squeeze their denial of self into a suit of body armor, this  Bruce Wayne is perhaps the least evolved Homo sapiens  in cinema history.  Too emotionally blocked to confront  the pains of his past (okay, so your parents were killed,  do some regression therapy and get over it), he lives in  seclusion, creates a self-fulfilling prophecy around his  lack of true love and puts all his trust in a loyal, sexually neutered butler.  It might be fun to watch him kick butt for two and a half hours, but if you ran into this Davey Downer at a party you would seriously harbor suspicions about whether or not he has any former lovers in his crawlspace.

STAR WARS – I got news for you, Luke Skywalker: everything does not come down to you and your expertise with the force.  Real growth occurs in community.

PRETTY WOMAN

I just don’t want to know what  happened to the two deluded characters in this scenario  a couple of years after the film ended.  Both so fully  succumbed to their fantasy images of each other (knight  in shining armor, whore with a heart of gold) that once  the daydream dissolved, as it inevitably would, their  moorings would be completely loosed.  If Reality TV had  been around back then, we would undoubtedly have seen a show chronicling their downward spiral, as they took long pulls on Jim Beam straight from the bottle and hurled ashtrays at each other across the rented Airstream.

TITANIC – James Cameron gives us Rose, a wealthy socialite who gets off on  slumming it with an unwashed guy from steerage, and,  after he dies in her arms, convinces herself that nothing  will ever top the experience.  Her teenaged infatuation  with the free spirit who showed her that the dirt poor are  much better at sexual congress than uptight rich guys  held her back her entire life.  As the ending of the film  implies, she did get to do all the things she had promised to do with Jack, except that without him it wasn’t quite as hot.  This is the romance equivalent of the high school football star whose job at Goldman Sachs will never match the exhilaration of completing an 80 yard touchdown pass.  Thanks to the unrealized dreams of that guy and others like him, our economy is in the crapper.

CITIZEN KANE

Classic self-loathing manifesting  itself in an obsession with material wealth.  Plus, it’s  overrated.

PULP FICTION – This one’s more about the director.    Let’s be honest: when you need to throw a plot twist into  a chase scene and it turns out to be someone who keeps  a leather clad man in a wicker basket to stand watch just  in case someone comes by who needs a good ball-gag  enhanced raping…sir, you should not be making films,  but rather urgently seeking professional counseling.  Really.  Urgently.

THE GODFATHER – Michael Corleone had a chance  to forge his own identity and live in his own personal  truth, but he succumbed to co-dependency with his  unhealthy family dynamic and because of that a guy  gets shot in the throat right in the middle of dinner.

MARCH OF THE PENGUINS – Undeniably moving,  but irresponsible in that by  anthropomorphizing our  web-footed cousins it sets the  bar for human fidelity and  service unrealistically high.    We should not expect our  mate to wait with the kids in  sub-zero temperatures for  eons or to trek across the  same sub-zero temperatures  for  eons with some grub  just to prove one’s love and  devotion.  Let’s just see how  much progress we can make in couples counseling and call it a day.

I’m sure you can think of many of your own movies that are horrifying from a self-improvement perspective. Feel free to add to the list!