A new study reveals that kids aged 8 to 18 are spending an average of 7.5 hours a day absorbed in digital media such as mobile phones and MP3 players.  And this is apart from the time they spend texting during all their classes.  This means that the amount of time young people spend with electronic devices pretty much equals the time we adults spend trudging through our average workday.  Of course, if a child wanted to be extremely precocious, they could point out that a good portion of grown-ups spend half their day at work surfing the Internet, too, but when it comes to truths that hit close to home, children should be seen and not heard, yes?

There have been no definitive links shown between school grades and massive digital media use, and more work needs to be done to find out just what this new study means.  In the meantime, perhaps you parents out there should be alert to the warning signs of this potentially debilitating trend.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID WATCHES TOO MUCH DIGITAL MEDIA

1. His book report on The Red Badge of Courage is actually a cut-and-paste from the product description of SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle For Bikini Bottom.
2. Every time you try to limit his access to a handheld wireless device, he keeps throwing that guy who survived the Haiti earthquake thanks to an iPhone app in your face.
3. Her idea of political activism is Tweeting your local member of Congress about why Twilight fan fiction should count toward her SAT verbals.
4. He now speaks entirely in acronyms.  Particularly annoying when you have to figure out that LMAIWASLOZCMOMMP3 means “Leave me alone, I’m watching a Suite Life Of Zack and Cody marathon on my MP3.”
5. You find out he is attending Crackberry anonymous meetings.
6. He refuses to see the irony in sitting motionless for seven hours while playing something called Need For Speed.
7. She claims that you will be laughing out the other side of your face when all of her early training in texting makes her better prepared for the thumb dexterity-centered job market of the future.
8. Her only friends are her earbuds.
9. His rather cryptic Facebook bio reads simply, “help me, my brain is liquefying.”
10. Your talk on the birds and the bees has been supplanted by Wiki Answers.

As always, if you have a warning sign that I’ve missed on this list, post away.

Listen up, you nut job.  All I want is the information you are sending me in an email or some other form of electronic communication. I haven’t the slightest interest in the name of the wireless device from which you sent it.  Eleven seconds on Google™ revealed thousands of links to easy ways one can change the default signature that comes with one’s phone, but so far, my impressionable and insecure friend, you have not availed yourself of this technology.  I understand that consumers can quickly and somewhat frighteningly become rabid in their brand loyalties; why, since even before the time depicted on Mad Men manufacturers have had a monetary stake in their buyers having an emotional stake in their products.

But surely this is the 21^st Century, and there are more than enough Internet forums for people who want to exchange giddy, near-sexualized commentary about handheld keyboard response or whatever gets their rocks off about the other object they spend most of their time clutching tightly in their palms.  Why does so much of one’s identity need to be tied up into tagging every cyber note with some sort of declaration of awesomeness based on which provider is shooting off its contents?

I watched Oprah once, and I believe she said something about each of us being unique and individual, perfect just how we are.  I also watched Dr. Phil once and he said the same thing except when the guest didn’t get it right away,  he hit him with a meat-flattening mallet.  (Now there’s a guy who’s not giving everyone in the audience a car anytime soon.)  The point is, there are any number of motivational speakers out there who aren’t even as qualified as me providing a simple truth to their fans: that we are more than the material goods we purchase.  Sure, after a particularly humiliating dinner experience during which you were told that the photo you posted on eHarmony® didn’t do justice to your unibrow, you might briefly sublimate your lack of self-worth by buying a gadget that, in the quick-fix moment, actually seems to complete you.  But tomorrow is another day, and the rest of us do not have a lot of emotion invested in what contraption you are employing to let us know that the YouTube video of that wedding party doing their entrance dance to “Forever” was LOL.

And, just as an aside, another way we give our personal power over to the Internet is by letting our email providers tag all of our messages with hyperlinked advertisements.  Why aren’t we getting a share of that revenue?  After all, they are using our outgoing messages to sell something without our consent!  I hope one of my readers will take up the charge and get some signatures on a petition about that.  I would do it, but I’m too busy concerning myself with the minutiae that provides the inspiration for these blog posts.

In any case, the overarching message is that we must let go of the urge to siphon off our identity into our technology, or before you know it we will start to feel that the robots that have replaced us are actually pretty cool.

Wireless provider AT&T, beset by unprecedented demand for its services (apparently due in no small part to iPhone users constantly surfing the Internet), will soon be urging its wireless customers to spend less time using the Web.   There is even talk of a tiered pricing plan, already instituted in some countries, wherein the more minutes you use, the more you pay.

Sounds to me like some very smart AT&T spin doctor put out a story disguised as breaking news in order to prepare its customers for a kick in the apps.  Plus, the passive- aggressive attitude (“go ahead, put a strain on our servers, see if we care”) is the perfect response to the many complaints the company has received about its upload times being slower than an Italian neo-realist film.

However, the media giant has given me a revolutionary idea: enforcing monetary penalties onto the cost of dilly-dallying in our daily lives.  Here is a sample price list:

1. Leaving me a voicemail that is longer than ninety seconds: $5 per additional second, payable at next social gathering.
2. Corollary to #1—letting me leave an entire voicemail on your phone only to have you see my number come up on your screen and then call me right back before even listening to my message, thereby making me repeat everything I just said in the voicemail: $25 flat fee.  Must hit my PayPal account within 24 hours.
3. Keeping me waiting longer than ten minutes at post office/bank/doctor’s office: 20% deducted from total amount due.
4. Taking more than ten items through the ten items or less line: every item over the ten-item limit will be confiscated and given to a homeless shelter.
5. PowerPoint presentations: Price varies, but I’m sure we can come to some agreement on how you can compensate me financially for ninety minutes of color-coded twaddle that I will never, ever get back.
6. Boring movies: whether the above-mentioned culprits from the Italian neo-realist school, or just an interminable endurance test like Meet Joe Black, fees will range from free popcorn to free passes for life.
7. Staring at the desktop computer wondering when it is going to do what you asked it to: currently awaiting $4, 324,563 in lost time damages.
8. Consultants: see #7.
9. Cornered by dullard at party: it can be difficult to make a dullard aware that he or she has done anything wrong, so extracting financial recompense from them can be challenging. Perhaps slipping a few decongestants into their hummus could at least yield some amusing results.
10. Emergency rooms: free care if one is either a) kept waiting for more than three days or b) seated next to the person who is coughing up more foreign substances than a long-haired cat.

BONUS CATEGORY: Awards Shows.  Enduring these abominations is a matter of choice, so realistically one cannot expect any in-kind remuneration.  Still, somebody needs to pay.

Any other time sucks that should be earning you money instead of costing you giant portions of your day?