It is hard to believe a year has passed since the last Thanksgiving Gratitude List. Actually, it isn’t hard to believe it all. Once we get past the age of 25 things start to accelerate, hence it is not at all difficult to grasp that 365 days have whisked past in what seems like the time it took to get to and from work for a single seven day period. And yet, we all blithely blurt out the same feigned wonderment about how quickly the days have gone by, knowing full well we are not at all shocked by this entirely familiar and now mundane turn of events, but more willing to be inane than to face up to the inevitability of our sickening decay.

But, hey, how about Thanksgiving!

Yes, it is that time of year when, rather than commit to spending every day in quiet gratitude,  we cram all of it into half a day, between avoiding either a drunk uncle or parental questions about our future; and a butternut squash-induced coma that makes us fall asleep during the big game. (Leaving everybody to stare at our distended guts; exposed as they are by the fact that we have loosened our belts and popped the clasps on our 501′s. And yes, that includes you, ladies.)

But, hey, I’m as busy as the next person. And since I don’t have time to pause and reflect about anything good during the rest of the year, I’ll make a list just like every other stressed out plebeian on the glittering sidewalks of our great nation.

TOP TEN THINGS FOR WHICH I AM THANKFUL THIS THANKSGIVING

1. Not being dead. As chic as zombies are right now, being one would seriously jeopardize one’s goals for self-improvement.
2. That I was not trapped in a Chilean mine this year. As awesome as the publicity would have been for my career.
3. The Tea Party. Come on, who doesn’t want to take our country back?
4. Full body scans. Everybody knows we’re naked under our clothes. Now is the time to accept it and move on as a species.
5. My children. Because everyone says they’re supposed to be on a list like this.
6. All the wonderful and generous mentors and teachers I have had in my life. I hope they do not feel badly about how I have surpassed them in every conceivable way.
7. Four Loko. It was fun while it lasted.
8. The selfless love we get from animals. It’s the least they could do after entrusting us with their bowel movements.
9. The Internet. It keeps us all connected and we don’t ever have to see each other again.  Sweet!
10. In Treatment. Bunch of sickos. Really helps me feel better about life.

There you go.  So much to be grateful for, and so few opportunities to acknowledge it, except in this one societally-enforced and accepted doctrine.  But, really, what would all the rest of the days of the year be like if all we did was express thankfulness every waking moment?  Yuck.

What’s on your gratitude list?

HOLY CRAP! PAUL MAUL IS AVAILABLE IN BOOK FORM!--DOWNLOAD "SHOVE IT UPWARDS!" THE E-BOOK!

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