As part of the run-up to April Fool’s, we’re featuring different Paul Maul classics all week until the actual day of foolery. Here’s one of Mr. Maul’s personal favorites!

History and classic literature are only just beginning to get the monster movie mash-up treatment, most famously demonstrated of late by Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a Jane Austen romance featuring the titular flesh eaters and the fairly self explanatory Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

Thankfully,  my time-honored profession of self-improvement has taken note of this trend and is using it to broaden the appeal of the personal growth movement.  For too long, we peddlers of enlightenment have been ignoring that vast, untapped demographic of people who won’t read anything unless it involves the puncturing or tearing of human flesh.    Those days are gone.  Here, then are:

THE TOP FIVE SELF-HELP/HORROR MASH-UPS

1. Rich Dad, Poor Zombie.  Whether or not your father was a good financial role model or an ordinary Joe whose entrenched negative attitudes about money came from trying to succeed in the competitive world of having to gnaw on the flesh of his co-workers to survive, you’re sure to see a little piece of yourself in this powerful book.  If so, that little piece of yourself will likely be the small flap of mealy skin that has just been ripped from your exposed forearm.

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The Power of Virgin Blood.  As seen on Oprah, this revolutionary volume shows you how to reclaim the pure potential that lies in draining the blood of an innocent.  You’ll see how you can draw the good energy to you by offering virgin blood in ceremonies designed to get you the better job or loving relationship you’ve always wanted.  It’s like The Secret, only Satan does all the work.

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The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Vampires.  Whether you are a seasoned supernatural denizen of the night, or a novice who hasn’t progressed beyond repeated viewings of Twilight while feeding on small woodland animals, this world-renowned Bible of success would undoubtedly have helped Vlad the Impaler reach a pinnacle of which he had never dared dream, and it will surely help you, too.  It’s the one Holy Book that won’t make our bloodsucking friends have a hissy fit!

Change Into a Werewolf, Change Your Life.  You’ve seen the PBS fund drive specials–now experience a whole new dimension of growth, especially as it concerns your facial hair and fingernails.

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How to Win Friends & Influence the Undead.  It’s no secret that to get ahead in our careers we have to win the favor of some of the most soulless automatons known to mankind.   This newly-revised version of a classic takes that one step further, by showing each of us how an alliance with those doomed to roam our world for eternity can lead us to realizing our greatest destiny.  Which may be to cleave their skulls in twain with a rusty shovel, but there you go.

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HONORABLE MENTION:

Succubi & Money.  Hey, we all have something weighing heavily on our chest each night.  We might as well make the most of it.

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Ageless Body, Timeless Mind.  Actually, I think this one is already about vampires.

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HOLY CRAP! PAUL MAUL IS AVAILABLE IN BOOK FORM!--DOWNLOAD "SHOVE IT UPWARDS!" THE E-BOOK!

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