The candidates are telling us they have the answers, but it’s pretty easy to see that all the problems in the world stem from a lack of self-examination. So here is my ten-step plan to reform politics in America once and for all. Won’t you join me in tapping into your truths, whatever that means?
TOP TEN PROMISES OF MR. PAUL MAUL’S EMPOW-WOW-ERMENT PARTY
- I will begin each day by talking to the economy and making sure it realizes how important it is to all of us. Soon, the economy will develop a better sense of self-worth and pass that worth onto the American people in the form of new jobs.
- Constitution to be replaced with copies of “The Secret.”
- As long as they provide a convincing written explanation of what is wrong with them to politicians on the far right, LGBT people can do anything they want.
- As part of my five-year plan to reduce stress in everyday life, I will institute the death penalty for taking more than ten items through the ten items or less line.
- I will continue to allow tax cuts for the rich as long as the rich promise to learn more about sharing.
- I will balance the budget by making sure to put a Libra in charge of the budget.
- I will replace the Pledge of Allegiance in our schools with the Pledge of Empow-WOW-erment (full text below).
- I will impose severe tax penalties on anyone who makes another comic book movie.
- I will end our dependence on foreign oil with the power of my mind alone by using law of attraction principles as outlined in the new Constitution (see #2).
- Finally, I will pay no attention to the constant, nagging critical voice in my head that keeps saying the first nine promises are ridiculous. By refusing to embrace any negativity, I will be able to implement all the steps in this political platform no matter what anybody thinks. So even if everything goes right down the shitter, I will be remembered as someone with the strength of my convictions. And that’s how it works, people.
Thank you for your support.
THE PLEDGE OF EMPOW-WOW-ERMENT
I pledge allegiance to myself
And occasionally to Deepak Chopra
And to my development
For which I stand
With inner strength
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