TOP TEN PROMISES OF MR. PAUL MAUL’S EMPOW-WOW-ERMENT PARTY
- I will begin each day by talking to the economy and making sure it realizes how important it is to all of us. Soon, the economy will develop a better sense of self-worth and pass that worth onto the American people in the form of new jobs.
- Constitution to be replaced with copies of “The Secret.”
- As long as they can provide a convincing written explanation of what is wrong with them, homosexuals will be allowed to marry.
- As part of my five-year plan to reduce stress in everyday life, I will institute the death penalty for taking more than ten items through the ten items or less line.
- I will continue to allow tax cuts for the rich as long as the rich promise to learn more about sharing.
- I will balance the budget by making sure to put a Libra in charge of the budget.
- I will replace the Pledge of Allegiance in our schools with the Pledge of Empow-WOW-erment (full text below).
- I will impose severe tax penalties on anyone who makes another comic book movie.
- I will end our dependence on foreign oil with the power of my mind alone by using law of attraction principles as outlined in the new Constitution (see #2).
- Finally, I will pay no attention to the constant, nagging critical voice in my head that keeps saying the first nine promises are ridiculous. By refusing to embrace any negativity, I will be able to implement all the steps in this political platform no matter what anybody thinks. So even if everything goes right down the shitter, I will be remembered as someone with the strength of my convictions. And that’s how it works, people.
Thank you for your support.
THE PLEDGE OF EMPOW-WOW-ERMENT
I pledge allegiance to myself
And occasionally to Deepak Chopra
And to my development
For which I stand
With inner strength
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