Oh, sure, he’s a symbol of joy and wonder during the holiday season, but the fact is that Saint Nick has been working through some serious dysfunction over the years. Hey, Santa, you’re off for 364 days of the year, you think maybe you could make it to one my seminars? Think about it.

THE TOP TEN REASONS SANTA CLAUS NEEDS SELF-HELP

1. Predilection for shimmying down a chimney instead of entering through a window points to unresolved birth canal issues, along with festering low self-esteem that prevents him from truly being “seen.”

2. Apparently, witnesses report him laying his finger aside of his nose, and yet he refuses to attend even one Narcotics Anonymous meeting.

3. Involved in a troubling, possibly asexual relationship with his wife; bursts into gales of unprovoked laughter to hide the pain that results from lack of intimacy.

4. Justifies making a small crew of non-union elves break their backs to manufacture approximately thirteen billion toys in roughly nine hours by stroking his ego about the joy he supposedly brings to so many girls and boys. All of whom never actually set eyes on him and will cease to believe he exists by the time they are seven.

5. Thinks that his one night of aerobic exercise qualifies as a health regimen.

6. Despite his obvious inner pain about the hideous Santa Clause franchise, he refuses to publicly denounce Tim Allen’s portrayal of him.

7. Appointing himself judge and jury, he spies on children from the heavens and doesn’t think twice about leaving coal in the  stockings of those he deems unworthy. Classic passive-aggressive withholding behavior.

8. Remains in denial about his philandering ways despite the many children who have seen mommy kissing Santa Claus.

9. Allows himself to overlook the harsh working conditions at his factory  just because he was magnanimous enough to let some misfit reindeer be the headlight on his sleigh.

10. Has been waiting for the past several hundred years for the Food and Drug Administration to declare milk and cookies a vegetable.

I’m sure there are more reasons why our favorite delivery boy needs a little head shrinking. Feel free to contribute your own.

There’s more holiday-themed madness all over the place on the Paul Maul site! Find it here.

HOLY CRAP! PAUL MAUL IS AVAILABLE IN BOOK FORM!--DOWNLOAD "SHOVE IT UPWARDS!" THE E-BOOK!

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