Everyone and their blogger makes a top ten scary movies list around Halloween time, but how many of these lists have the stones to identify what’s really scary about a movie: its dysfunctional, unenlightened characters?  (For even more ghoulish fun along these lines, do revisit my collection of the top Halloween costumes and what they say about you.) It’s all very well to be frightened by torture porn, or a guy in a hockey mask or ethereal Asian toddlers who stand there looking eerie, but there isn’t a dismemberment out there that can hold a candle to the terror of watching people whose unconscious behavior keeps them from coming to a proper sense of their personal power. Here, then, are:

The Top Ten Scariest Movies Of All Time From A Motivational Speaker’s Perspective.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK – Indiana Jones is a  man afraid of intimacy and stuck in the belief that outward achievement is a substitute for finding  wholeness through work/life balance.  Rather than  confront any of his shortcomings and develop into a  successful, well-rounded individual, he siphons off his  inner power in the foolish pursuit of graven images,  adrenaline-charged adventure and wisecracks. And the ever-present whip may hint at another, more unsavory addiction.

GOOD WILL HUNTING – Hey, I got zippo validation  in childhood, too, that’s why I went into public  speaking. But I don’t go around letting Robin Williams  lock me in his hirsute embrace and tell me it’s not my  fault over and over again.  This self-forgiving blast of  shameless new-age ickiness makes a weeping emotional  outpouring on Oprah look like a Mixed Martial Arts Beat  Down.  Perhaps this whole movie was an elaborate pre-publicity stunt to prepare us for the warm, uplifting ride that was Patch Adams.

THE DARK KNIGHT – Of all the screen heroes to  squeeze their denial of self into a suit of body armor, this  Bruce Wayne is perhaps the least evolved Homo sapiens  in cinema history.  Too emotionally blocked to confront  the pains of his past (okay, so your parents were killed,  do some regression therapy and get over it), he lives in  seclusion, creates a self-fulfilling prophecy around his  lack of true love and puts all his trust in a loyal, sexually neutered butler.  It might be fun to watch him kick butt for two and a half hours, but if you ran into this Davey Downer at a party you would seriously harbor suspicions about whether or not he has any former lovers in his crawlspace.

STAR WARS – I got news for you, Luke Skywalker: everything does not come down to you and your expertise with the force.  Real growth occurs in community.

PRETTY WOMAN

I just don’t want to know what  happened to the two deluded characters in this scenario  a couple of years after the film ended.  Both so fully  succumbed to their fantasy images of each other (knight  in shining armor, whore with a heart of gold) that once  the daydream dissolved, as it inevitably would, their  moorings would be completely loosed.  If Reality TV had  been around back then, we would undoubtedly have seen a show chronicling their downward spiral, as they took long pulls on Jim Beam straight from the bottle and hurled ashtrays at each other across the rented Airstream.

TITANIC – James Cameron gives us Rose, a wealthy socialite who gets off on  slumming it with an unwashed guy from steerage, and,  after he dies in her arms, convinces herself that nothing  will ever top the experience.  Her teenaged infatuation  with the free spirit who showed her that the dirt poor are  much better at sexual congress than uptight rich guys  held her back her entire life.  As the ending of the film  implies, she did get to do all the things she had promised to do with Jack, except that without him it wasn’t quite as hot.  This is the romance equivalent of the high school football star whose job at Goldman Sachs will never match the exhilaration of completing an 80 yard touchdown pass.  Thanks to the unrealized dreams of that guy and others like him, our economy is in the crapper.

CITIZEN KANE

Classic self-loathing manifesting  itself in an obsession with material wealth.  Plus, it’s  overrated.

PULP FICTION – This one’s more about the director.    Let’s be honest: when you need to throw a plot twist into  a chase scene and it turns out to be someone who keeps  a leather clad man in a wicker basket to stand watch just  in case someone comes by who needs a good ball-gag  enhanced raping…sir, you should not be making films,  but rather urgently seeking professional counseling.  Really.  Urgently.

THE GODFATHER – Michael Corleone had a chance  to forge his own identity and live in his own personal  truth, but he succumbed to co-dependency with his  unhealthy family dynamic and because of that a guy  gets shot in the throat right in the middle of dinner.

MARCH OF THE PENGUINS – Undeniably moving,  but irresponsible in that by  anthropomorphizing our  web-footed cousins it sets the  bar for human fidelity and  service unrealistically high.    We should not expect our  mate to wait with the kids in  sub-zero temperatures for  eons or to trek across the  same sub-zero temperatures  for  eons with some grub  just to prove one’s love and  devotion.  Let’s just see how  much progress we can make in couples counseling and call it a day.

I’m sure you can think of many of your own movies that are horrifying from a self-improvement perspective. Feel free to add to the list!

HOLY CRAP! PAUL MAUL IS AVAILABLE IN BOOK FORM!--DOWNLOAD "SHOVE IT UPWARDS!" THE E-BOOK!

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