TOP TEN FLASHBACK: WHAT YOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUME SAYS ABOUT YOU

I was going to do another top ten about unintentionally horrifying movies which proved so popular last Halloween, but I realized I would only have to include Good Will Hunting again, so it would be a rip.  So, in this overview of some of the season’s hottest Halloween costumes, along with several enduring classics, Mr. Paul Maul takes a good, hard, stiff look at what your Halloween costume choice reveals about your level of emotional development.

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LADY GAGA: Your ever-more outrageous acting out is a function of whatever childhood damage led to your narcissistic tendencies.  It is simply a shield to protect you from both your own feelings of inadequacy and the nagging suspicion that you are the product of that one night when Madonna had sex with David Bowie.

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VAMPIRES INSPIRED BY THE TWILIGHT SERIES: You have a nihilistic outlook on life, seeing our time on this planet as ultimately empty and pointless.  This is stunningly ironic since you seem to wish you were someone who could live forever.

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THE MAD HATTER: A very popular costume this year.  Wearing this says you would like to be seen as a literary person, even though you wouldn’t know Lewis Carroll from Eleanor Roosevelt and had your first exposure to Alice in Wonderland by seeing the version directed by the guy who did the remake of Planet of the Apes.

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SPIDERMAN: You are haunted by feelings of guilt over something in your life, often something that feels as serious as having decided to spare the life of the a-hole that ended up killing your uncle.  As a result, you walk around with the classic martyr complex, exacerbated by the way you have internalized your anxiety: FYI, continually quoting the phrase, “with great power comes great responsibility”makes you almost as big an a-hole as the guy who killed your uncle.

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HARRY POTTER: You are a Devil worshipper.  Get help.

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MARILYN MONROE: See: Lady Gaga, minus the bit about Madonna and David Bowie.

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ELVIRA: You are a perfectly healthy person who feels no shame in revealing massive amounts of cleavage to other partygoers while maintaining a general air of forbidden gothic horror that makes you even more unattainable and exciting.  Keep up the good work.

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FREDDY KRUEGER: Halloween is your time to hide behind the mask of a man who terrorizes people’s dreams and is hell-bent on bringing about their violent deaths.  The other three hundred sixty-four days of the year are your time to feel exactly the same way about your boss, but instead of being hell-bent on his destruction, you hold in your anger and load up on the Mylanta.

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CHARLIE CHAPLIN: You see yourself alternately as a tramp who is not worthy of love and a genius who was misunderstood just because of a couple of child brides.  Perhaps much to your chagrin, neither is true.

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JESUS: To cover up your own bitterness about how God couldn’t possibly have created such a horrible world, you want everyone to know how irreverent you can be about organized religion.  Your cynicism becomes severely tested, however, when everybody at the party demands that you forgive or heal them simply by a laying on of hands.  You can’t exactly say no, can you, smart guy?

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I’m sure many of you have your own inner-self-revealing costumes that didn’t make the list. Feel free to add them to the “other” category in the reader poll below!

8 Responses to TOP TEN FLASHBACK: WHAT YOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUME SAYS ABOUT YOU

  • Zeke says:

    I’m going as Mr. Paul Maul, my self help hero. What are you going as, Mr. Maul?

    • mrmaul says:

      I was thinking of going as humorist and Huffington Post blogger James Napoli, but I think everybody else will be doing that, too, so I think I will go as Zeke!

  • Captain Pickle says:

    Funny! I laughed, I cried… I realized you were talking about me.

    • mrmaul says:

      Awesome. And if by that you mean every costume, then you truly are a multi-faceted, empow-WOW-ered person, Captain!

  • moniot says:

    I was actually thinking about going as Darth Paul Maul. But instead of a double sided lightsaber, my Jedi weapon would be a 20% coupon to Bed Bath and Beyond, where I could get a good deal on towels. I need some new towels.

    • mrmaul says:

      Now that’s empow-WOW-erment in action! Nice one! (And I’ll take that Darth Maul idea under advisement.)

  • Bryan says:

    Paul, what does it say about me that I expected the Jesus costume to be crotchless? Something about the way the model is spreading his hands, looking away. Man, Halloween really makes a guy think about things…

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